i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
