i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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