Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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