I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
