In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
