my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
