I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
All the doctor said was why
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
