Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
