I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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