I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
