Well apparently he's into motor boating.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
