tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
