you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
