last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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