FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
