508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Drunk is not a location!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
