oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
