between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize