my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
