I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
