I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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