So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
