I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
