So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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