I cannot find my penis.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
