There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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