It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize