I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize