Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
