I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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