my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
