I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I understand Curling. That high.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My feet surprised me
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
