i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize