Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
