If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
