after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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