I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
