Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
