On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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