i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
