and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
