There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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