I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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