I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
