I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
