onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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