i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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