Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
