girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
