Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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