i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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