I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
