my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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