She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
