Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
