Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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