is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
