your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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