dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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