Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
