he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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