If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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