so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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