Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
