I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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