I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
