Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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