I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
