I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
