So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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