She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
