You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize