we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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