seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
